bored and dead

i am soo dead. my relationship is in shambles cos lance has not and i think never will forgive me for keeping secrets from him. i know it's my personal life, but i shouldnt have been so secretive about it. today i had my chemistry prelims and i didnt know how to do ANYTHING! and i mean that. i think i only managed to secure like 10 marks? out of erm...70 i think.

and i really regret not taking out my heavy and falling to bits chemisrty textbook to study last night. i didnt even touch that book. i think i'm going crazy. not surprising, considering the circumstances. my mom took away both phones from the bottom floor of my house so that i cannot call lance whenever any one of my parents are at home. and on sunday, when she wanted to cut the phone wire, i didnt budge and she pulled my sleeve which unfortunately didnt stretch and so left a big blue black all around my arm. cool. it's now yellow with purple dots. and i like it. looks fierce, as if i fight everyday.

student by day, ninja by night. hahax. anyway, i decided to just continue posting until lance decides to go and delete it himself. recently my mom has threatened to take to take lance to the police if lance doesnt stop messaging her. he messaged her on tuesday when i pissed him off by going to his place when he specifically told me to go home. he hates it when i hang around his place cos there are lots of gangsters around and the schools are are all...gangstery? oh well...

right now i'm really depressed. and i think i should just coop myself up at home and drown my sorrows in the laws of physics and the macromolecules in chemistry. not a very healthy way, but for now, which the evil shadow of the o levels looming over me, i think it'll work very well for me. and so, i jave decided to not go help out my father at his shop tomorrow which the reason being, i want to study. and if my mom doesnt believe me, i can show her what i have done throughout the day. have no idea how to break it to her though. i am in really deep shit.

lance says he has no more drive and doesnt have the energy to carry on with this relationship anymore. i dont care and i cant say i have any sympathy left for him. i used it all on myself. all i want is for him to talk to me when i call him. granted, i call ALL the time, but at least, now i'm trying to keep myself busy and away from the phone by using the com right? not a good way, but it works and it lets him do his stuff. he hates it when i use the net cos he is afraid one fine sunny day, a prince charming would whip me off my virtual feet and we would ride off into the virtual horizon, leaving him behind. that would never happen. seriously, i mean come on, all of you had probably been online more times than me and have you ever experienced it?

i told him it would never happen, but he doesnt believe me. and now i dont think he would believe me even if i tell him the naked truth. most of you know, trust is vital in a relationship. ok, communication is important too. but trust is one of the most important. if you really trust a person, the relationship would survive even if one is in the north pole, the other in south pole and they had no means of communications for 4 yrs. i know i'm exagerating but do you get my point? i have already broken the very fragile trust he had in me. and i have no idea how to build it up again. does anyone know any kind of magic emotional glue to heal the trust he has in me?

nothing more to say, i mean, i dont know, what's the point? nothing will ever be better, everytime it gets better, and then becomes the best, it starts to become worse at a really alarming speed. i dont think i can take it anymore. i just take a shower, go to sleep, and wake up the next day feeling like a new(?) person. forget about that. sleeping takes alot of time. once i go to sleep, i will be dead to the world for 1hour. after that, i may or may not wake up with a headache. i probably to think about how to break the news of not being able to go to the shop to my mom and how to protect my arm from being coloured decoratively with yellow and purple again. haiz...my life seriously sucks at this moment. i envy those who are not me and are happily laughing away right this moment.

those people better not be at the front of their computers laughing at my blog. what's so funny about my troubles? huh? huh? you want a piece of me?! just joking. haha. bye

dear kor kor

i have finally come around to dedicating a post ot my god brother. so here goes.

ok, the few and most important lessons of my life are taught to me by ny god brother. when i came from primary school to secondary school, the change is really tremendous. i didnt know how to speak tactfully and how to know whether that perosn is fed up with me or not. and i was the victim of rumors.

we met on msn when i randomly added e-mail addresses from chain mails. i know it is not a very good way or a safe way to meet but i think there are no bad side effects from it are there? so i met him when i was at my lowest. he gave me his handphone number, and we started talking to each other.

he is really a good person and i can tell from the way he speaks, and the way he talks to other people. and when he told me that he is "practically a listening ear" i didnt know how much comfort he would be to me until i called him in the middle of the night crying about my parents whenever they scolded me. then we would talk until i had calmed down and then after that we would be talking about anything under the sun.

he would tell me about the times he was in secondary school, the things he did and experienced, the times he had quarrels with his gfs, and lots of other stuff. i really learnt alot just from listening to him. i am a good listener partly because i used to talk to him so much when i was in sec1 and sec2. i am not really sure how much i helped people but i can be sure that he has helped me alot and he has played quite a role in making me who i am today.

not that my parents didnt do anything. they did, but they never taught me things like how never to tell your friend that she looks fat in that school uniform and never to say "yes! i have lost weight!" in front of your friend who has weight problems. he did. i would tell him things which i said and what happened and he would break it down into bite-sized pieces for my immature brain to absorb. then after that i slowly became more confident with myself.

there IS such thing as a social etiquette for every place. even in school and he pretty much told me everything he knew. for me, i was totally lost in this new environment being very used to the closeness of my house and the haven i found in books. i didnt have any idea what to do in any situation in that school. academic-wise, i was slipping really badly as my brain was too rusty. there was even a time when i didnt know how to subtract! serious! it was that bad. and socially, i only had two friends in my class. only two!

only when i got to sec 2 did i get more friends. yea. i was a really bad mess in those days and i really wonder how i could stand it when i thought about it. i would like to thank my kor kor for always being there for me even when you are sleeping or playing games and now, even when you are in NS.

kor kor,

i really appreciate the way you guided me when me first met even though i am just a stranger to you and you can say that it is none of your business. thankyou for being there always.

i hope you are not angry with me for not paying any attention to you when i am with lance now. ya, i know it seems like taking advantage of you but i'm not. so i hope you are touched by this post and if you cry, mail me. k? hahax. and tag me before you leave.

sincerely,
amber

P.S.:i know most of you will probably be watching the finals of singapore idol but i need to tell you this. i am going to end this blog. i told lance today and erm...he didnt approve. he didnt flip cos he already did that yesterday when i told him about all the secrets i had kept from him such as the blog and using the net. and today, i gave him all the accounts i have on the internet which i am using. yea. so i am really sorry. but i will still blog until he deletes it. ok. sorry. let's just see how things go with me and him. yea. bye.

hello!

i feel much better after listening to some music and having a good night's sleep. lance started work yesterday night. not that he hasnt been working. he has been trying to find a job as a security guard as i said, but you are supposed to have a cert to be one. the course costs $65 and he doesnt have any starting money. he is now working as a kitchen cleaner in suntec city convention centre. hey, that is nothing bad about it. just that hours are abit weird. 11pm-6am. and the pay is $800 a mth excluding what they put into your cpf. it is actually paying higher than the job he has previously and the hours are shorter.

not bad? maybe some of you will have aspirations to be a kitchen cleaner when you grow up. actually $800 is alot, considering that he doesnt have to pay for the houses electrical and water bills, and food and lots of other house-y stuff that make you broke.

i feel much better and i have calmed down alot. in the end, my mom also didnt really kick up a big fuss when she came home. she just made a few comments which i didnt bother to listen to and went about singing "happyday" which is actually a little kids song which is sung in my little sister's music class long ago. she thinks i had a happy day yesterday cos i had no one there to piss me off and i could use the phone for all eternity. as most of you who read my blog know, it was the opposite.

i just ignored her. i wish i had some other way other than blogging to relieve my stress. cos i can only come on at certain times. and lance doesnt know about this, i dont intend to let him know or else he would absolutely F-L-I-P! yea. so, that's all.

i have been thinking about writing a novel. or at least a story. it is nothing about my life. the inspiration came when i was walking pass a funeral taking place at the void deck. then suddenly i was thinking about this story line where a beloved grandfather of one boy dies and the grandfather's spirit appeared in his dreams where he said that the boy would meet a girl when he is 17. and he is to marry that girl. they would have a child when they are both 25 and his first born would be a boy, in which his grandfather's soul have been reincarnated into. then i would talk about the loveless marriage that poor girl has, the repercussions of the boy's mistake in agreeing to let his grandfather take the body of his first born's body. yea. i was thinking about making it all very dark and scary but with me, i dont think it's possible. i try though. i might start working on it anytime and i think i will post it on this blog in a different colour.

the only things which are missing is the names of the characters i am just not so good at naming. can anyone give me some ideas? thankyou.

she will be loved

i like this song. please tell me the lyrics if you have it. thanks

"you sound like a malay!"

today, my mom had just ruined my originally wonderful saturday. i thought i could have a nice day of hanging around the house, grazing through sweets(i have suddenly developed a taste for sweets), using the phone, watching the recorded shows i missed throughout the week, and sleeping.

ok, my mom wanted me to fetch my little sister for her piano lesson cos she has to work. i didnt agree cos i thought i couldnt go home after i her piano lesson and have to go out with my mom. in the end, she made my second sister go. and when my grandma found out, she got worried and asked me to go. so i decided to go cos we are going for a kfc meal after the lesson anyway. after that, three of us sisters would continue on our merry way home and laze the rest of our day away. sounds too good to be true? it is.

my mom HAD to call and tell them that we can go to my aunt's house after the lesson. they were estatic. i wasnt. i looked forward to lazing my day away with a bandito pockett meal for company. now that my mom told them, all that is gone. no goofing around with my sisters on the bus, no kfc meal, no splurging my money on chocalate for them at watsons, nothing. i felt betrayed. seriously, grossly, betrayed. and then, to make things worse, my second sister kept passing me the wrong message from my mom. first, she told me that my mom said that i CANNOT fetch them there because i disturbed my little sister when she was sleeping. second, she told me that my mom ordered EVERYONE to go to my aunt's house because my maternal grandmother kept urinating on the bed. check this out. my grandmother urinates on the bed, i HAVE to go there. where is the link? can someone enlighten me please?

and when i was calling my mom, she refused to pick up the phone until the 6th phone call. and then, she told me that i actually do not have to go and asked me why do i hate going there so much now? she also said that she knew what i was up to at home. what? i'm going to hog the phone? for your info, i spent less time on the phone than you would expect. i told her, all i want to do is stay at home, and watch tv. and she said "you sound like a malay you know that? EXACTLY like a malay." malay my ASS! talk to the hand. i'm going to shut off from you from now on.

i didnt fetch my little sister to her piano lesson. instead, i stayed at home and mourned the loss of my wonderful day snatched away by my mom. she rubbed it in again. she called and told me that she thinks i should leave the house and go to lance if i think staying at this house is upsetting me. upsetting me? ok, i am not unhappy here. my haven at home would be complete if i were to be able to get a handphone. and use it openly. i want to be able to sms in front of my mom and not have her making remarks like "oh, you reporting again?". i want to be able to call lance in front of my parents and not have them pissed off at me. i want to be able to go out with lance and tell my parents "bye, i'm going out with lance, will be back by 10!". is it too much to ask? aparently, it is. as for the handphone, i dont mind if i have to pay for everything by myself. i seriously dont mind. and if i can call lance in front of my parents, i dont mind having to pay for the part of the bill which i used. seriously. that is how much i want to have peace between me, lance, and my parents.

i had an awful day. now, i feel like i just wasted the day crying and watching tv. i feel like a piece of rubbish left at the bottom of the bin which even the rats wouldnt touch. that's what i am. rubbish.

repeat after me, RUBBISH!!!!!

i, amber aka yam shuhao am a piece of rubbish.

dont worry about me, after a good cry or two, i'll be fine. i wont go to me penknifey friend. i promise to whoever bothers to read and whoever cares.