There are times, when I can see the light of my family, and the people who love me. I see their hands waving over the emotional well I have fallen into, trying to pull me back up into the light. I appreciate their help. It helps me get through those dark days.
When those people are not around, I let my mind wonder back. Back into the times when I was surrounded by them, by love, and by light. I revel in the memories and savour the familiar sting of pain it brings to me. Because sometimes those are the only times I can remember that I once felt something, once felt alive.
Losing Ryan was one of the most painful things that's every happened to me. Because not only did I lost my boyfriend, I lost my best friend, my (only) confidante, and, I'm ashamed to admit, my groovy pal. He's the only one I could burp with and still be able to laugh. He seems to be the only one who could make me smile genuinely with a single word.
I should just stop it and get on shouldn't I? See, I broke that pact I had with myself. I called him, and also talked to him on msn. (the horror!) And then a few days ago, he told me that he was "affronted with the idea that you do not know how just much you mean to me." Or words to that effect.
Well, enlighten me, because what with the silence on Facebook and Hotmail, I seem to get the impression I'm all but dead to you. You also seem so pre-occupied when you do talk to me on msn. Yes, I get that you're busy but I don't get why you're so busy to not be able to talk to someone you haven't spoken to in ages.
I should just go now. Cos my joints in my fingers are hurting. *sigh*
Peace out. To whoever cares.