muahaha...

now in the workplace again. muahaha...been just fooling the house u know. bought my school things already. oh wow i'm sooo cool. (puke everyone! lol)

lalala...

i know this may be a little late but then i have just found out my chemical romance. they rock! i dont care if they're emos or even if they look like gays, i think they have talent if they wrote all those songs on their own. and even though welcome to the black parade is prob featured the most but then i like Dead! the most, i dont know, maybe because i have a certain liking for guitar solos, the more the better, or because their drums are sooo damn sweet.

bought loads of punk stuff the day before when i went to newry. spent like £15 on all that. sounds darn stupid but anyway, i like it. bought cool shoelaces as well. yipee! and when i bought all that i was thinking just how much i've changed when i came from s'pore to here. for one, i feel so much more confident, and i just feel loads more friendly and open. as well as loads more punk. and anyway, was just thinking like just 3 mths ago, i will probably never wear wat i wear now. and with confidence too.

and this sounds so cheesy, but i think i owe it all to my auntie carol and jordan and uncle paul. for auntie carol, she just tells me i look ok every single day. and not to mention all the spoiling she gave to me helped. jodan, just been the shoulder for me to cry on, no matter what, when. im afraid i cant say where cos obviously i cant cy in school and have him comfort me who am i to complain anyway, it's a so much better improvement from when i was in s'pore.

yay. anyway, gotta go now, i just feel so lucky. yay!!!!!!!

*evil laughter* lol

the longest journey of my life...

heyyy peoples...no prizes for guessing who it is over there...

finally back from residential camp. from 19th august to 23 august, i have been doing physical and extreme activities all day...here is the schedule

day 1: arrived at 12 so we went bouldering all afternoon. it's actually walking up the river for those who dont already know...and slipped a few times. which is quite scary considering i cant swim and will be swept away by the current once i'm swept off my feet. then night time we went to murdock beach and walked in the fenced off area i.e., the part with no planks.

day2: went rock climbing in the morning and then canoeing in the afternoon. during rock climbing i couldnt make up the first few metres so i gave up cos i am soooo scared, big baby that i am, but in canoeing, it was actually quite fun. people were just slacking off and i got to use my arms muscles. it was aching for the nxt few days but oh well... =D

day 3: climbed up ben crom. was the scariest and biggest experience of my life. and this is the part where i want to touch up ont he most. going up was kind of a torture. lots of time u will go " i cant go any further" and each and everytime u do that, u have to go on somehow because u realise that no one is goin going to come and save u, no one is going to carry u off because they cant. u have to walk on ur own two feet in the end. mfinally when u get up, the feeling of exhiliration was irresistable and i was doing crazy stuff like shaking my head and goin "whoooo!!!!". the worst point of the trip up to then will have to be realising that u have to go down again. and even worse, u can see everything ALL the way down. each time i slip, i go"ah!!! oh no! i'm gonna die! i will fall all the way down and then DIE!!!!!!!!!" and when i did slip and sprain my ankle, all i can do is sit down and cry because all i can think of is "that could have been me down at the bottom. when i rolled, i could have rolled all the way down, breaking every bone in my body as i go." eventually, wat can i do but stand up and go on.
i really must say that the whole trip was a blast, really, and i cant wait to get back there nxt yr. everyone was really great. even the other group of kiddies who are really friendly, and who are so cool in their own way. i cant believe my luck in being able to come all the way down her and being able to meet all those great people, and being able to find out so much about myself as well as being able to understand people better. i dont know how, but i feel like i would be able to understand people better after this.

besides all that, i have managed to learn some invaluable social skills and somehow, i feel more confident, and more sure of myself. i also want to thank my dear readers. for all those hu still went to read my blog when i stopped blogging, thanks for not losing ur faith in me. i'm sorta a little rust now. but i'll improve. yepz...and EVERYONE FROM RESIDENTIAL!!! MISS U ALLS!!!!!!!!!!!

complications...

now there are some really big complications...i maight need to fly back to s'pore to get my student visa cos if i just stay here like that, i might be studying illegally.

wat i cant trust myself to do is to not call lance or try to find him when i'm in s'pore. and if i really do meet him, chances of me coming back to ireland will be like 20% or maybe even less. worse thing is, i found out that both of us had not really broken up. to me, it's just a silent period. and i want to find a closure. once and for all, does he want to be together or not? if i were to want to have a relationship, i wont be able to have it without wondering if he's still waiting for me or not. it really sucks.

i hate not having a proper ending.

anyway, found a new fear of mine.

i'm afraid of dolls. the ones with blank faces. not barbies, they are fine, just not too many. last night i decided to sleep in another room so that everyone will be able to have a good night's sleep as the dog will be in the other sie of the house where i usually sleep. ok, anyway, there is a doll in a victorian dress, maroon coloured and she has a blank face. it's really scary and when i was alone in the room, i keep looking at her and then trying to ignore the creepy feeling that is crawling up and down my back.

eventually, i told auntie carol and she got jordan(my cousin) to take her away from the room. that is when i found out that there are two other chinese dolls with blank faces as well. they are just staring into space and i was dead frightened of them. and i didn realise just how afraid i was of them until he was moving the chinese dolls' heads and moving their arms. that's when i felt like crying. i could just hear the evil laughter and imagine the eyes moving and looking evilly at me. it was really scary and when he put it on the back of my neck i started burying my face in the blanket and screaming and crying.

i cant believe i'm telling u guys this.

after that he couldnt believe i was crying. thing is, i used to have nightmares about being in a basement with like a track winding to the washing machine. and once u open the basement door, another door would open in the depths of the basement and a live size doll(at least as big as an average 6 yr old) with a blank face, long blonde hair and a bloody mouth would come out stretching her arms towards u and saying something like "hello? come here, stay here..." all while u are desperately trying to stuff the clothes into the washing machine watching her come closer and closer to u. and when u finally close the door of the washing machine, she would seize up, give a blood-curdling scream and then rush backwards to the door where she came from screaming and screaming...

i'm dead scared but eventually i calmed down and went to the doll-less room to sleep. and dreamt that my mom had sent me to prison just because i was caught being with lance. evidence? it's a video in the phone. it was in little india where we used to go. and we looked so happy, we were laughing talking. and for some reason, he has long hair. not surprising, cos now i've seen so many with long hair. and he used to keep long hair once. didnt see how he looked but then, oh well...

on thursday went out with a group of people to go bowling and watch a movie. it was so fun. and then after that went to the house and rachel sang. she was really good. but i feel like a fool. cos i thought they were joking when they said she is going to sing. and when the song is starting and she was going to sing, i went " are u really going to sing?" and she really sang, and i felt like a fool. but she was really good. and she said that was the first time she sang for people other than her parents, and i feel special.

i dont think there's anything else on my mind except for going to school and then trying to find some closure to my relationship with lance. i hope, for his sake and my own, he has decided to give up on me just as i have lost faith in him. just cant trust him anymore. that's it for today i guess. byebyeeeeeeeeeeeeee..........

my hair!

my hair has never been so straight! happy with my new haircut. it's layered and then straightened. will be curly tomorrow though...

i'm now in northern ireland

hello everyone. amberyam is back on blogger!!!!! muahahahahaha...heehee. anyways, just to tell everyone out there, i'm in northern ireland now and will be staying for about two years to study here. of course will be visiting in between or something so will be visiting all of my friends in s'pore! yay!!

so...it all started as a simple holiday and then turned out that i'm staying here. dont get me wrong, the decision is mine. but then again i was given very strong nudges into that direction from my parents. as for lance, we have broken up for real. i made the decision to stay because i had to stay for like a month or two more here cos we cant get tickets for me and my dad. then he just freaked. it just wasnt pretty. and he basically said he doesnt want to see me again. that's when i decided to study. because i cant bear the thought of going back to face everyone and hear all the aunties and uncles in s'pore go "see i told u so, he was bad, didnt i tell u?!" plus, i cant bear the thought of going back and facing the temptation of going to his house all the time. and honestly, part of it was as an escape from my parents.

it probably sounds so darn weird, but then again, my relationship with my parents are not that close in the first place. recently when my mom called, she asked for my diaries. my DIARIES!! she said suddenly they are not at my tables anymore. and i knew that she was implying i had given them to lance. obviously, i didnt. i just hid them. and there is no way i'm gonna let her get her hands on my precious diaries. i cant imagine anyone i dont like reading my diaries, my deepest and darkest secrets, my real thoughts and desires and the way i feel about everyone. a blog is different, it's meant for people to read. but diaries, *shudder*, it's plain wrong.

anyways, i got my hair done today. it's the first time i ever got my hair done in a hair salon with hair wash, hair drying, straightening, the works. love my straight hair but then again, it'll onyl last for a day. but if i like it, i think i'll rebond it when i get back to s'pore.

everything's really great here, and the weather is getting fine. i just dread the moment when winter comes. sometimes, it's cold enough here for me already. so...i'll be freezing when i get back. oh well. took quite alot of photos of northern ireland and then i'll be posting photos one by one as i blog each day.(or every few days for that matter)

er....so...i'm really glad to be able to blog for u guys now. hope u enjoy my bloggings. heehee. gotta go! byeeeeee