complications...

now there are some really big complications...i maight need to fly back to s'pore to get my student visa cos if i just stay here like that, i might be studying illegally.

wat i cant trust myself to do is to not call lance or try to find him when i'm in s'pore. and if i really do meet him, chances of me coming back to ireland will be like 20% or maybe even less. worse thing is, i found out that both of us had not really broken up. to me, it's just a silent period. and i want to find a closure. once and for all, does he want to be together or not? if i were to want to have a relationship, i wont be able to have it without wondering if he's still waiting for me or not. it really sucks.

i hate not having a proper ending.

anyway, found a new fear of mine.

i'm afraid of dolls. the ones with blank faces. not barbies, they are fine, just not too many. last night i decided to sleep in another room so that everyone will be able to have a good night's sleep as the dog will be in the other sie of the house where i usually sleep. ok, anyway, there is a doll in a victorian dress, maroon coloured and she has a blank face. it's really scary and when i was alone in the room, i keep looking at her and then trying to ignore the creepy feeling that is crawling up and down my back.

eventually, i told auntie carol and she got jordan(my cousin) to take her away from the room. that is when i found out that there are two other chinese dolls with blank faces as well. they are just staring into space and i was dead frightened of them. and i didn realise just how afraid i was of them until he was moving the chinese dolls' heads and moving their arms. that's when i felt like crying. i could just hear the evil laughter and imagine the eyes moving and looking evilly at me. it was really scary and when he put it on the back of my neck i started burying my face in the blanket and screaming and crying.

i cant believe i'm telling u guys this.

after that he couldnt believe i was crying. thing is, i used to have nightmares about being in a basement with like a track winding to the washing machine. and once u open the basement door, another door would open in the depths of the basement and a live size doll(at least as big as an average 6 yr old) with a blank face, long blonde hair and a bloody mouth would come out stretching her arms towards u and saying something like "hello? come here, stay here..." all while u are desperately trying to stuff the clothes into the washing machine watching her come closer and closer to u. and when u finally close the door of the washing machine, she would seize up, give a blood-curdling scream and then rush backwards to the door where she came from screaming and screaming...

i'm dead scared but eventually i calmed down and went to the doll-less room to sleep. and dreamt that my mom had sent me to prison just because i was caught being with lance. evidence? it's a video in the phone. it was in little india where we used to go. and we looked so happy, we were laughing talking. and for some reason, he has long hair. not surprising, cos now i've seen so many with long hair. and he used to keep long hair once. didnt see how he looked but then, oh well...

on thursday went out with a group of people to go bowling and watch a movie. it was so fun. and then after that went to the house and rachel sang. she was really good. but i feel like a fool. cos i thought they were joking when they said she is going to sing. and when the song is starting and she was going to sing, i went " are u really going to sing?" and she really sang, and i felt like a fool. but she was really good. and she said that was the first time she sang for people other than her parents, and i feel special.

i dont think there's anything else on my mind except for going to school and then trying to find some closure to my relationship with lance. i hope, for his sake and my own, he has decided to give up on me just as i have lost faith in him. just cant trust him anymore. that's it for today i guess. byebyeeeeeeeeeeeeee..........