Sunday, June 14, 2009

Mute and Silent

Recently I have been feeling as if I'm just being pushed and carted around to suit other people's plans. Obviously this has always been the case in my childhood simply because I was far too ignorant to know what was good for me. But now, I mean honestly, I'm 18, 19 this year and I would kinda like to be able to connect with other people on a more mature level.

I understand that at times, I may be simply too angry to communicate and maybe, the tears of pain that roll down my cheeks may make it seem like I was simply crying "crocodile tears" to attract sympathy. But that is the way I am, and I cry when I feel too passionately about something. Which is basically, all the time. Not healthy, but at least I give a damn, which is more than what other people can say for themselves.

When I say "No", I mean "No". Not "Why don't you just go ahead and do it anyway." Before you do something for real, let me know! Listen carefully because I'm only going to say this once. LET. ME. KNOW!

And when you are going to do it anyway, again, can't you NOT leave it to last minute?

I am so so tired of trying to be heard. So tired of trying to fight so I can have a voice, so that I can be noticed and taken into account for what I think.

No wonder why I was a nervous wreck with zero confidence and absolutely no opinion. No one listened to me, no one tried to actually listen to the important things I have to say. Like what do I want in life. How would I like my own room and more privacy? Do I want to go out with my friends?

Well, here and now, I'll tell you. First and formost, what I want in life is simply to be happy. Not the kind of happy where you just sit there and let everyone trample all over you and be contented. The kind of happy where you know you have accomplished everything you want, that you are the best person you can be.

And yes, I would LOVE to have my own room and have more privacy. My sisters are only about to get bigger. And having us share two beds and a room that was designed to fit only one person is not going to be great as a long-term solution. Oh yes, in the golden 'olden days' people used to have to sleep in the corridoors of the house. There wasn't space. But can't you try to live in the 'now'? Nobody does that anymore. And they wouldn't even treat animals like that. It's tantamount to animal abuse. I know I will be able to cope with it, but having a huge change from having a room all to myself and to sharing two beds with two other sisters, the climate, the absence of familiar faces I'm used to. I have no idea if my mind can take it.

Thirdly, yes, I would LOVE to go out with my friends. It'll be good to be able to escape the oppressiveness of the house once in a while and just hang around. It will help me cope.

No one in Singapore has asked if I will miss the people here when I leave. Maybe you might not know the answer. But yes, I will miss them. A lot. So much so that even that thought of it brings tears to my eyes. As of now, I have eleven full days left here in Northern Ireland. The nearer I get, the sadder I become. I know that logically, I will be able to move on better in my life much easier than the loved ones I leave behind. Yet, saying goodbye is just so hard.

There are so many people who are waiting happily for me to come home. And the guilt for feeling the way I feel now, is just killing me inside. I cannot stand the pain of knowing how selfish I am for wanting to stay in the present while there are so many people who want me to come back in the very near future. Now do I have any idea at all what being pulled apart by horses feel like that those who were executed that way long ago in China.

I could go on and on literally for another hour how and why I am feeling this way. But I have a sneaking feeling this post is getting too long. And also, I am diverting away from my title. So congratulations if you made it this far. I'm sorry if I depressed you. I do try to see the funny in life, but sometimes, it's just far too hard.

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