What is it?

What is love? It's the feeling pheromones in your brains release whenever you see someone you find attractive. And when they like you back, your whole world is plunged into technicolour. That is, the legendary rose-tinted glasses. Everything is a wonderful shade and even a pile of poo can be beautiful. (Oooh see how the light catches the moisture? See how it slowly steams during the winter?)

You feel like you're walking on air every single day and everytime you see your 'soulmate', your heart skips and you just want to go over and give them a great big hug. Cuddles, snuggles, and hugs are aplenty, and you feel more protected than you've every been in your life. Kisses feel just like that moment when you put ur lips to the marshmallow slowly roasted over a fire and then cooled off to just the right temperature. Everything is absolutely, and undeniably perfect.

Scientifically, your brain will stop producing the loved up feeling pheromones after 18 months in a relationship. The satisfying feeling should stop. But somehow, it's not the case with me. I work really hard at my relationships. I still feel loved up, protected, and happy even 20 months into my relationship. Even though I know from previous experiences that hardwork doesn't always equal to great success, I still work hard at my relationships hoping that somehow the other half will realise, and appreciate it.

Well, sometimes they do. Sometimes, they don't. Then when the brutal "I don't love you anymore" comes, your rose tinted glasses are snatched away. And your world is plunged into mud water. Everything you see seem to be covered in a shade of grey. Much like whenever you put your black tinted swimming goggles on. You steps are slow and heavy, everything bothers you and you just don't have the energy to do anything anymore. It's just so...so...empty! You go to sleep hoping that somehow, tomorrow will be a better day, that maybe, possibly, perhaps, that person will tell you "Awwk I'm sorry honey, I made a mistake, I really do love you afterall." And then go to sleep again the next day thinking "Nobody loves me, nobody cares." Sleeping is an escape, and waking up a harsh jerk into reality.

Even though now I know that a relationship with Ryan is out of the question, at least until all is said and done, I would still take him back in an instant. It's so hard to move on even though I know I have to.

Today is another day. Going to see the MP to appeal into a university. I'm thoroughly sick of the whole thing. It's like drawing blood from a stone. Isn't it true that if I take a year out to do more A level subjects I would have a higher chance this year? Or am I just talking bullshit.

On a brighter note, I can complete the rubix cube without looking at my notes anymore. It's pretty good. My best timing so far is around 3 minutes. And I will be aiming for the megaminx when I can complete the cube in under a minute. I like my rubix cube. It helps distract me from thinking about 'him' and crying over 'him'.

'Cos any guy who makes you cry ain't worth crying over. Right?