what a time to be homesick :( [i drew that pic myself]
remember once jinjun's personal message on msn was "if a picture speaks a thousand words, then music paints a thousand pictures." i'm going to say "smells bring back an infinite amount of memories"
homesickness..i have no idea when it hit me but i guess it has always been there. dont ask me how and why. i just know now that it has. but as for this particular strong bout of homesickness, it started from a smell.
yes, a smell. u didnt read that wrong. (warning below is a terribly descriptive episode of how the smell came about so scroll down a little bit more if u dont want to read it)
well i was sitting on the chair revising in my room. and then i lifted myself up on the handles to stretch and get my legs uncrossed and one of the handles of the chair broke. and with the breaking, came the distinctive smell of wood and varnish. and that brought back the memories of whenever i was younger, more innocent and a whole load stupider. it brought me back to my dad's shop. the office, in fact. during chinese new year which i wouldnt be able to celebrate properly in the next few years.
just, the smell was exactly the same as the 'office' in the upstairs part of my dad's shop where me and my sisters and an occasional cousin used to sleep in whenever my parents and auntie(s) and uncle(s) work at sticky mass of merry makers walking down the streets at snails pace all night long. till about 6-7am in the morning.
and that brought about a bout of homesickness. and with the homesickness, it brought back the smallest, and most mundane images. such as the view from the bus stop opposite my house, and the view from the bus stop just down the street. and my bedroom. and basically most of which photos i took during my visit back to s'pore in oct 07.so it seems that i have tried to appreciate and commit to memory every single second, every minute of my trip there. so much so that my head is swimming with random images in my head. not that it is a bad thing. just confusing. i dont think my mind has actually mentally accepted that i have moved here for a few years. my mental state whenever those images come into my head is "oh, i can easily take a bus there, it's fine." it's as if i havent accepted the enormousness of just what i have taken upon myself.
and i cant be homesick. well, i can. but the circumstances dont allow me to. i've got an exam which i hardly know anything about in less than 4 days. well 3 days after today is over.
it hasnt affected me that much so far.. just an occasional bout of tears now and again that's all.
i just dread the time when i have to make a choice as to whether to go back to s'pore or stay here. a huge, huge part of me wants to go to s'pore. but a teeny part of me knows that i have already gotten attached to northern ireland. the falling petals in spring, the riot of colours and crunchy leaves in the autumn, the crispness of the winter and the scorching hot sun yet dry air in the summer. i dont want to make this huge mistake in my life of choosing the wrong place to stay. and i dont want to blame myself about the choice i have made if things ever go bad in life. i do want to go back to s'pore and stay eventually. cos that is where i have spent all of my childhood and almost all of my life to date.
so there u are. the thoughts that have been plaguing me for ages. and thankyou for listening.
quote of the day:
"The touble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat"
-Lily Tomlin(American actress, comedian, writer and producer)