The main reason I don't want to go is because I feel so useless over there. Mrs Barret praises me in front of people and I feel so awkward because all I really do is just sit there and stare at them, or talk to some of the more friendly old people. I enjoy serving them during meal times and also during tea time. It's just the time between the meals which i find rather unbearable. I sit in the sitting room with whoever is sitting there, and just talk to them. Whenever i watch some of the nurses running about the place, I feel horrible for sitting there. Whether I have made a difference or not, it is hard to tell. The head nurse tells me "Thanks Amber, you've been a great help." but it's really hard to tell if they are saying it out of courtesy, and then muttering "Thank goodness that meddling little Asian is out of the way."
Next is the face of some of the nurses whenever they open the door to let me in. They always look so surprised and even though I know I can't really blame them, it is still a little bit weird to have someone surprised at your coming when you tell them again and again that you are here every Saturday (now every alternate Saturday). One of the head nurses is quite nasty. She expects me to know everything about the home and oh I don't know. It just makes me feel so small. It's like she despises the fact that I'm here without pay and all that I take will be the meals. She probably despises the fact the Mrs Barret has gone to everyone to tell them what a caring girl I am while i cringe in shame because I feel like I haven't done enough.
Which is why i have decided that after the exams, I will go to Riverhouse on Thursday. Why? Because on Thursday, I would be able to do Something Great And Meaningful and not feel so guilty about not doing anything in spite of not being there.
Like clean commodes.
What are you laughing at? I quite like cleaning commodes. And they are clean because they clean them every week and I have to clean them quite thoroughly. It's also because I have to go to all the different rooms to make sure that I have cleaned all of the commodes and this gives me lots of chances to talk to the old people that I wouldn't really normally socialize with.Anyway, English exam went well today. There was one killer question but I just muddled through it like everyone else. Mechanics wasn't too bad. Did two questions which I was struggling with right at the end. Which was pretty good i guess. At least I finished the paper. As in completed it. Throughout that Mechanics paper I was cursing like a sailor because there just wasn't time for me to relax and calm myself before the paper. I was down at Subway trying to get my lunch about 5 min before I was due to assemble outside the examination room. Walked really quickly up to school and ran up to assembly hall. Only ate my Subway after the exam (roast chicken, pepper cheese, olives and pickled chillies). Me and Ryan had the 'Two Can Dine' set where you get these two 6 inch subs with anything you want in it, a cookie/packet of crisps and a bottle/cup of drink. I had my Subway, a chocolate chip cookie (I like cookies ^_^) and a bottle of Coke (which I have yet to finish).
So there you go my dear and avid readers of my blog, these are the rather mundane details of my day and the thoughts i had today.
"There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply."-Josh Billings (humorist and lecturer, born with the name of Henry Wheeler Shaw)
