Monday, September 22, 2008

Work's Awful

Or, the lack of work. My first shift started on the 6th of September. At the end of the shift, I was told I'll be given a call to be notified of my shift next week. Week after week, it has been the same. I was given a time where they'll call, and the call never came. I have not worked a single shift since then. Uncle and Aunt reckons this is the time I start looking for a new job. Got an application form, and it'll probably be sitting on my table for a month gathering dust before I hand it in.

Been feeling as if I'm been left out of everything lately. Which sucks pretty badly. It's such a confidence crusher to feel like you're being left out of something deliberately. And then comes the conscience crusher to not have the guts to tell those people because you feel bad about getting annoyed at them. It's such a dilemma. Awwk well, that's life for you. Life can be a bit of a b****. But it really depends on how you see it. It's really been one thing after another this past week and it has taken a toll on me. I haven't been sleeping too well and look terrible. When I walked past the mirror yesterday, I actually walked backwards to check it was me. Dark rings under puffy eyes, greasy looking hair, pimples popping out, not a good thing at all. I have to de-stress.

I wonder if I can use this excuse too.

Ever since Benjamin is gone, there have been lots of painful reminders now and again. One of the most painful reminders would be every single time I drop anything on the floor. Normally Benjamin would coming dashing over to try to snap it up before me. Now, every time I drop something, there would be no clumsy stumbling of four paws on the ground trying to see what it is I've dropped. Or when I'm eating dinner, when I accidentally drop something, I can't draw Benjamin's attention to it and get him to eat it to save me cleaning it up. It hurts, but it'll get better.

The way I see it is, Benjamin has gained immortality and a permanent state in our hearts. He'll forever be gamboling around the house. And no matter how weird this is going to sound, I'm saying it anyway. It still feels like Benjamin is here. Only invisible, and silent. Sometimes out of the corner of my eye I could still see him, walking clumsily like Bambi learning to walk on ice. Of course he'll still be here. But maybe not for long. We're probably going to get another dog. Because his presence is sorely missed. Especially whenever anyone of us is alone in the house. I was alone in the house on the day after Benjamin's gone. And it didn't feel good at all. I miss him so much. We'll give it lots of time. And then adopt a dog from the dog pound. He doesn't have to be pedigree, he doesn't have to be obedient, or the best dog in the world, so long as he accepts us and loves us, we're happy.

Ahh..Love is a wonderful thing. At times it's probably the only thing which keeps us alive, and keeps us waking up every morning. It sure helps to know that someone, or some animal out there loves you. And I'm blessed to have a whole army of people caring for me, loving me.

"Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love." - Leo Buscaglia

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