bored and dead

i am soo dead. my relationship is in shambles cos lance has not and i think never will forgive me for keeping secrets from him. i know it's my personal life, but i shouldnt have been so secretive about it. today i had my chemistry prelims and i didnt know how to do ANYTHING! and i mean that. i think i only managed to secure like 10 marks? out of erm...70 i think.

and i really regret not taking out my heavy and falling to bits chemisrty textbook to study last night. i didnt even touch that book. i think i'm going crazy. not surprising, considering the circumstances. my mom took away both phones from the bottom floor of my house so that i cannot call lance whenever any one of my parents are at home. and on sunday, when she wanted to cut the phone wire, i didnt budge and she pulled my sleeve which unfortunately didnt stretch and so left a big blue black all around my arm. cool. it's now yellow with purple dots. and i like it. looks fierce, as if i fight everyday.

student by day, ninja by night. hahax. anyway, i decided to just continue posting until lance decides to go and delete it himself. recently my mom has threatened to take to take lance to the police if lance doesnt stop messaging her. he messaged her on tuesday when i pissed him off by going to his place when he specifically told me to go home. he hates it when i hang around his place cos there are lots of gangsters around and the schools are are all...gangstery? oh well...

right now i'm really depressed. and i think i should just coop myself up at home and drown my sorrows in the laws of physics and the macromolecules in chemistry. not a very healthy way, but for now, which the evil shadow of the o levels looming over me, i think it'll work very well for me. and so, i jave decided to not go help out my father at his shop tomorrow which the reason being, i want to study. and if my mom doesnt believe me, i can show her what i have done throughout the day. have no idea how to break it to her though. i am in really deep shit.

lance says he has no more drive and doesnt have the energy to carry on with this relationship anymore. i dont care and i cant say i have any sympathy left for him. i used it all on myself. all i want is for him to talk to me when i call him. granted, i call ALL the time, but at least, now i'm trying to keep myself busy and away from the phone by using the com right? not a good way, but it works and it lets him do his stuff. he hates it when i use the net cos he is afraid one fine sunny day, a prince charming would whip me off my virtual feet and we would ride off into the virtual horizon, leaving him behind. that would never happen. seriously, i mean come on, all of you had probably been online more times than me and have you ever experienced it?

i told him it would never happen, but he doesnt believe me. and now i dont think he would believe me even if i tell him the naked truth. most of you know, trust is vital in a relationship. ok, communication is important too. but trust is one of the most important. if you really trust a person, the relationship would survive even if one is in the north pole, the other in south pole and they had no means of communications for 4 yrs. i know i'm exagerating but do you get my point? i have already broken the very fragile trust he had in me. and i have no idea how to build it up again. does anyone know any kind of magic emotional glue to heal the trust he has in me?

nothing more to say, i mean, i dont know, what's the point? nothing will ever be better, everytime it gets better, and then becomes the best, it starts to become worse at a really alarming speed. i dont think i can take it anymore. i just take a shower, go to sleep, and wake up the next day feeling like a new(?) person. forget about that. sleeping takes alot of time. once i go to sleep, i will be dead to the world for 1hour. after that, i may or may not wake up with a headache. i probably to think about how to break the news of not being able to go to the shop to my mom and how to protect my arm from being coloured decoratively with yellow and purple again. haiz...my life seriously sucks at this moment. i envy those who are not me and are happily laughing away right this moment.

those people better not be at the front of their computers laughing at my blog. what's so funny about my troubles? huh? huh? you want a piece of me?! just joking. haha. bye

dear kor kor

i have finally come around to dedicating a post ot my god brother. so here goes.

ok, the few and most important lessons of my life are taught to me by ny god brother. when i came from primary school to secondary school, the change is really tremendous. i didnt know how to speak tactfully and how to know whether that perosn is fed up with me or not. and i was the victim of rumors.

we met on msn when i randomly added e-mail addresses from chain mails. i know it is not a very good way or a safe way to meet but i think there are no bad side effects from it are there? so i met him when i was at my lowest. he gave me his handphone number, and we started talking to each other.

he is really a good person and i can tell from the way he speaks, and the way he talks to other people. and when he told me that he is "practically a listening ear" i didnt know how much comfort he would be to me until i called him in the middle of the night crying about my parents whenever they scolded me. then we would talk until i had calmed down and then after that we would be talking about anything under the sun.

he would tell me about the times he was in secondary school, the things he did and experienced, the times he had quarrels with his gfs, and lots of other stuff. i really learnt alot just from listening to him. i am a good listener partly because i used to talk to him so much when i was in sec1 and sec2. i am not really sure how much i helped people but i can be sure that he has helped me alot and he has played quite a role in making me who i am today.

not that my parents didnt do anything. they did, but they never taught me things like how never to tell your friend that she looks fat in that school uniform and never to say "yes! i have lost weight!" in front of your friend who has weight problems. he did. i would tell him things which i said and what happened and he would break it down into bite-sized pieces for my immature brain to absorb. then after that i slowly became more confident with myself.

there IS such thing as a social etiquette for every place. even in school and he pretty much told me everything he knew. for me, i was totally lost in this new environment being very used to the closeness of my house and the haven i found in books. i didnt have any idea what to do in any situation in that school. academic-wise, i was slipping really badly as my brain was too rusty. there was even a time when i didnt know how to subtract! serious! it was that bad. and socially, i only had two friends in my class. only two!

only when i got to sec 2 did i get more friends. yea. i was a really bad mess in those days and i really wonder how i could stand it when i thought about it. i would like to thank my kor kor for always being there for me even when you are sleeping or playing games and now, even when you are in NS.

kor kor,

i really appreciate the way you guided me when me first met even though i am just a stranger to you and you can say that it is none of your business. thankyou for being there always.

i hope you are not angry with me for not paying any attention to you when i am with lance now. ya, i know it seems like taking advantage of you but i'm not. so i hope you are touched by this post and if you cry, mail me. k? hahax. and tag me before you leave.

sincerely,
amber

P.S.:i know most of you will probably be watching the finals of singapore idol but i need to tell you this. i am going to end this blog. i told lance today and erm...he didnt approve. he didnt flip cos he already did that yesterday when i told him about all the secrets i had kept from him such as the blog and using the net. and today, i gave him all the accounts i have on the internet which i am using. yea. so i am really sorry. but i will still blog until he deletes it. ok. sorry. let's just see how things go with me and him. yea. bye.

hello!

i feel much better after listening to some music and having a good night's sleep. lance started work yesterday night. not that he hasnt been working. he has been trying to find a job as a security guard as i said, but you are supposed to have a cert to be one. the course costs $65 and he doesnt have any starting money. he is now working as a kitchen cleaner in suntec city convention centre. hey, that is nothing bad about it. just that hours are abit weird. 11pm-6am. and the pay is $800 a mth excluding what they put into your cpf. it is actually paying higher than the job he has previously and the hours are shorter.

not bad? maybe some of you will have aspirations to be a kitchen cleaner when you grow up. actually $800 is alot, considering that he doesnt have to pay for the houses electrical and water bills, and food and lots of other house-y stuff that make you broke.

i feel much better and i have calmed down alot. in the end, my mom also didnt really kick up a big fuss when she came home. she just made a few comments which i didnt bother to listen to and went about singing "happyday" which is actually a little kids song which is sung in my little sister's music class long ago. she thinks i had a happy day yesterday cos i had no one there to piss me off and i could use the phone for all eternity. as most of you who read my blog know, it was the opposite.

i just ignored her. i wish i had some other way other than blogging to relieve my stress. cos i can only come on at certain times. and lance doesnt know about this, i dont intend to let him know or else he would absolutely F-L-I-P! yea. so, that's all.

i have been thinking about writing a novel. or at least a story. it is nothing about my life. the inspiration came when i was walking pass a funeral taking place at the void deck. then suddenly i was thinking about this story line where a beloved grandfather of one boy dies and the grandfather's spirit appeared in his dreams where he said that the boy would meet a girl when he is 17. and he is to marry that girl. they would have a child when they are both 25 and his first born would be a boy, in which his grandfather's soul have been reincarnated into. then i would talk about the loveless marriage that poor girl has, the repercussions of the boy's mistake in agreeing to let his grandfather take the body of his first born's body. yea. i was thinking about making it all very dark and scary but with me, i dont think it's possible. i try though. i might start working on it anytime and i think i will post it on this blog in a different colour.

the only things which are missing is the names of the characters i am just not so good at naming. can anyone give me some ideas? thankyou.

she will be loved

i like this song. please tell me the lyrics if you have it. thanks

"you sound like a malay!"

today, my mom had just ruined my originally wonderful saturday. i thought i could have a nice day of hanging around the house, grazing through sweets(i have suddenly developed a taste for sweets), using the phone, watching the recorded shows i missed throughout the week, and sleeping.

ok, my mom wanted me to fetch my little sister for her piano lesson cos she has to work. i didnt agree cos i thought i couldnt go home after i her piano lesson and have to go out with my mom. in the end, she made my second sister go. and when my grandma found out, she got worried and asked me to go. so i decided to go cos we are going for a kfc meal after the lesson anyway. after that, three of us sisters would continue on our merry way home and laze the rest of our day away. sounds too good to be true? it is.

my mom HAD to call and tell them that we can go to my aunt's house after the lesson. they were estatic. i wasnt. i looked forward to lazing my day away with a bandito pockett meal for company. now that my mom told them, all that is gone. no goofing around with my sisters on the bus, no kfc meal, no splurging my money on chocalate for them at watsons, nothing. i felt betrayed. seriously, grossly, betrayed. and then, to make things worse, my second sister kept passing me the wrong message from my mom. first, she told me that my mom said that i CANNOT fetch them there because i disturbed my little sister when she was sleeping. second, she told me that my mom ordered EVERYONE to go to my aunt's house because my maternal grandmother kept urinating on the bed. check this out. my grandmother urinates on the bed, i HAVE to go there. where is the link? can someone enlighten me please?

and when i was calling my mom, she refused to pick up the phone until the 6th phone call. and then, she told me that i actually do not have to go and asked me why do i hate going there so much now? she also said that she knew what i was up to at home. what? i'm going to hog the phone? for your info, i spent less time on the phone than you would expect. i told her, all i want to do is stay at home, and watch tv. and she said "you sound like a malay you know that? EXACTLY like a malay." malay my ASS! talk to the hand. i'm going to shut off from you from now on.

i didnt fetch my little sister to her piano lesson. instead, i stayed at home and mourned the loss of my wonderful day snatched away by my mom. she rubbed it in again. she called and told me that she thinks i should leave the house and go to lance if i think staying at this house is upsetting me. upsetting me? ok, i am not unhappy here. my haven at home would be complete if i were to be able to get a handphone. and use it openly. i want to be able to sms in front of my mom and not have her making remarks like "oh, you reporting again?". i want to be able to call lance in front of my parents and not have them pissed off at me. i want to be able to go out with lance and tell my parents "bye, i'm going out with lance, will be back by 10!". is it too much to ask? aparently, it is. as for the handphone, i dont mind if i have to pay for everything by myself. i seriously dont mind. and if i can call lance in front of my parents, i dont mind having to pay for the part of the bill which i used. seriously. that is how much i want to have peace between me, lance, and my parents.

i had an awful day. now, i feel like i just wasted the day crying and watching tv. i feel like a piece of rubbish left at the bottom of the bin which even the rats wouldnt touch. that's what i am. rubbish.

repeat after me, RUBBISH!!!!!

i, amber aka yam shuhao am a piece of rubbish.

dont worry about me, after a good cry or two, i'll be fine. i wont go to me penknifey friend. i promise to whoever bothers to read and whoever cares.

emotional day

today was kinda emotional. my form teacher came back from her 2 weeks long absence. but she came back to scold us. so it's not really a good thing. let me explain from the beginning. that day was wednesday and a couple in class were celebrating their one mth anniversary. the guy, let's call him teddy bear guy(TBG), brought a mr bean bear look-a-like to school to give to his gf. the periods after recess were all free cos twp periods were chinese and since the chinese prelims were almost over for chinese i think the teacher gave us a little break. then we had two free periods of english and then one free period for ACEs. k. everything was normal(at least, for our class) until we got to the second period of english. teachers change for every period they relieve my form teacher. so, on the second english period, this teacher came in and then i'll just put in her name for all to see. mrs jessie tan. k anyway, TBG was already playing with the bear for quite some time already i think the teacher got pissed off when he started using the bear to imitate a machine gun. he held one leg and an arm, pointed the head at whtever he is aiming, and went "putputputputputput" sth like that. i think she snapped and took the bear away without any warning.

k, to me, teachers should have a golden rule and that is "go by threes" you warn three times and THEN you start blowing your top. i do that with my sisters and sometimes, i dont even blow my top until i warn them for 10 times. if you are pissed off with something, try to stop it first. right? dont do anything which would earn you the hate of students. it's just not worth it. TBG just stayed calm cos he was sure as hell she would give it back. but at the end of the lesson, she scolded us about our work attitude, told us that she is relieved that her ex-students are not like us and implied that we are a bunch of lazy, good-for-nothing idiots. great? no. do we care whether her students are good or not? no. does she even know if we have finished the work allocated to us? NO! she went out of the class with the teddy bear gripped under her armpit. and TBG went after her and asked if he could have it back. she said no, he got pissed, and snatch it away. good for him and boo to the teacher.

i hate teachers who act like that. i have no idea why but i just hate them. she had already offended the whole class, and now, she is picking on one particular guy. y? i dont know. she probably hates children. so she complained to the discipline mistress and the DM looked for TBG both yesterday and today. i went to meet the DM personally before. i know how nice she can be and how bad she can be. but i think those meetings werent very nice for TBG cos he seems kinda pissed these days. my form teacher came today and spent a few minutes addressing this matter. she said he had to control his anger and some other stuff. we have to eat humble pie whenever we are scolded by someone of a higher rank. that, i know.

my teacher spent more time taking care of an even bigger problem. let's call this guy washroom guy. (WG) after the teacher snatched away the bear, he asked her if he could go the the toilet. she said no, he tried again. she said no, he asked again. in the end, he sneaked out of the classroom but was caught in the act. she yelled at him. he yelled back, and that was that. went she chased TBG back into the classroom, she told the teacher who was also relieving my teacher abuot both cases. then WG argued and being pissed, said "i dont know what kind of f***ing teachers we have in this school" which is what i was thinking but of course, i swallow it down right? honestly, that is pretty offending to the teacher. and she reported him to the DM too.

other than that, WG also vandalised a bag which belongs to a guy he doesnt even know. he said it was for fun. and he coloured the black parts white using liquid paper and the white parts black using markers. after that he and his friends threw it from 4th floor to 1st floor, brought it up, opened it to check if anthing is damaged and found silver polish which they smeared in the bag. ok. can anyone tell me why on earth would he do that? and that guy is 14! he's 16! i know it's for fun but it abit too far to be called "fun" right? i like colouring my own bag but i dont go around using my markers to colour on other people's bags. he had stolen a handphone in class before and the girl whose handphone was stolen still talks to him. and he still does this kind of things. i didnt have any grudges against him cos i dont really know what he did in the past but know that i know, i am disgusted. really, seriously, disgusted. when he said that the poor boy didnt do anything to him, someone from the front remarked "what an ass". yea. sad case man...sad case...

just this morning, WG punched a guy who was his friend. just because he took WG's drumsticks for a joke. and they are friends. i think most of the guys in class hate him and they dont bother to hide it. but that drumstick guy(DG) took him in and became his friend. so why punch him? if i were friendless in that particular class, i wouldnt punch the only friend i have. well done WG, you have suceeded in rendering yourself friendless in this class. you may have friends outside but from now on, i think you are condemned to a lifetime of lonliness in class. i am so disappointed in you. i thought you were okay, just another regular guy in class who was a victim of rumors. guess i was wrong.

my form teacher didnt really shout at us the whole time, but she shouted for the first few minutes. after that she talked calmly and told us about the times she almost went violent because of her anger and what would the consequences be had she not took it in check. she ended it with "my job is to keep you in school, and keep you safe. if you had been hurt outside when you are supposed to be at school, i would be the one responsible even if i wasnt there. on one hand, i will miss you when you gradute. on the other, i want all of you to pass your prelims and your 'O' levels and graduate. it is a love-hate relationship. so just keep out of trouble and pass your prelims and 'O' levels and...leave..." that was kinda sad. doesnt anyone else think so? or is it me. cos i only see happy faces at being able to leave school at last. and i think everyone was practically quivering at the thought of her shouting at us for one whole hour. but she didnt and everyone was relieved.

yea. so today was really emotional and i hope my teacher isnt too sad about it cos i can see that she really, really, likes this class.

happy birthday twin!!

hello...hope you feel special today...and mature. hahax... :)

we sort of grew up together. and i rememebr that he used to be really whiney. when he first came, he had a culture shock and couldnt stop whining about the food. seriously. and he wore football pajamas at the age of 10 the second time he came. then it was when we were both 13. i forgot what he was like but i guessed he was just like the rest of us. yea...

the last time he came was when i found out how much we look alike. everyone thought we looked alike. i think it is because of the hair cos he had long hair when he came. about shoulder length and in tangles. (i think it is for air dynamics when he goes skateboarding) once i was in the house all the time and when i went to stand beside a cousin, she went "y are you here? i thought you just went out?" and i was like "huh? i was inside the whole time!" and i had my hair up too cos i was very warm. so i think she saw him. that's why. and girls, he IS a pretty good catch so i think it is a great pity that you did add him on msn when he was all ego-istic in the tagbox. well, chance is gone now. hahax. for a gauge on his character, all i can say that i think he is brought up quite well. cos he is the only teenager i ever knew who complimented on his mom. not that his mom is bad, i think she is the best. but usually teenagers our age will complain about our parents no matter how good they are. so you can tell how close he and his mom are. i mean, he can be a pain in the ass at times and be seriously irritating when you dont want him to be but then, all little brothers are. so on the whole, i think he would be the kind of guy who would take care of the people around him. he took care of me when i fought with lance during the span of his trip here. i didnt mean to cry in front of him, but i did. and lots of times too. he didnt tease me about it though.

so anyway, happy birthday and hope that you receive my parcel soon.

HSK advanced exam

took that big exam today. it was ok...i think i did quite well for most of it except the oral part. i keep stopping a the given passage and was really distracted because everyone took it at the same time in the same room. so it is like everyone is talking all at once in a little room. i keep pausing at the questions. it was the most gruelling 3hr exam i ever took. it is not because i was tired, but because the passages were so boring and i have to read every single one of them. and the exam hall looks something like that. no kidding!

i received this e-mail and this is wat it says about august babies: Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control. Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. in need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful. Mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. Independent Strong willed. A fighter. Repost in 5 mins and you will meet the love of your life sometime next month. i didnt e-mail it to someone else because i already have met the love of my life! :)

this is wat it says about lance, who is a december baby. This straight-up means you are the most good-looking person possible... Better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music. Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. [A hot new guy/girl will catch your eye & you will catch theirs too in the next 6 days, if you repost in 5min] it is really quite true about the personality. i sometimes dont really understand what he says and dont understand why he has to do what he does. he is VERY prone to colds. in fact, he has one right now! hahax...

haiz...k...nothing more to say. please tag before you leave. thanks. bye.

childhood innocence

i'm so sorry to my avid readers, for not posting anything for the past 4 days. i was talking to lance on the phone. things have been really bumpy for the past few days but everything's all right now. thanks to everyone who comforted me in class.

last night me and lance had a great fight about whether or not i should go to my lesson about this exam i am taking tmr. and i was all defensive about myself. you know, spikes and flamethrowers, the like. and he got angry and he wanted a break up. today i went to meet him, and he had clamed down alot throughout the day, so we are now better than ever. last night i was thinking about how my heart was grinded into fine powder. like talcum powder you know? that kind which puffs up and disappear when you squeeze the bottle? yea. i was thinking yhat my heart probably looked like that yesterday night and each time my heart is broken, a little puff of my heart is carried away by the wind and it disappears into nothingness. each time it is broken, my heart gets smaller and smaller and smaller...

i would like to thank all the people who comforted me today. yea, lance comforted me too. he was really sweet today. i mean after he was all crabby about the way i acted the past few days which i can only sum up as "cold". yes, i was being very cold to him the past few days. that's because he refused to meet me for the pass 3 weeks. but after he got it out of his system, he was sweet. today i cried in class after admitting to huizhi that my relationship isnt as perfect and la-di-da as they think. and then jeremy came and asked others for tissue for me and then others saw me and they came over to comfort me as well. i was really touched and i think some of the time i cried was because i was so touched by everyone's methods to try to cheer me up. i felt like a kid again. and i felt...well...loved. and cared for. not as in bgr love but as in sisterly and brotherly love. yea...felt like a little kid and wished i could go back t othose days when i could just cry openly and not havfe anyone stare at me. once i was crying because i was reading this exceptionally touching book and a little girl of about 7-8years stared at me like i was exhibit A! i was so pissed after that and i stared at her like she was exhibit B. eventually she went off, but she kept coming back for another peek at the "crying big girl".

later when i was going home after meeting lance, i saw this little girl of about 5-7 years and she was the perfect image of a Little Girl. as in sugar, spice and everything nice. she had her hair tied into two ponytails at the sides of her head, with thick, sweet pink rubberbands, she wore a matching pink long sleeve shirt, blue jeans, and pink sandals. she was holding her grandmother's hand and chattering away in a clear, high voice. seriously. it was really cute. indian children are always cute with their big eyes and thick lashes. i suddenly thought about how one day she would fall in love for the first time, get hurt for the first time, she may be in danger of going to the wrong path, and i had no idea how she is going to be guided. i may not know her at all and she is a total stranger but i obviously dont want her to get hurt or become a...hooker or something. i know i sound bad but well, the ugly truth.

i just had my science practicals and i finished my compostitions for both languages. i'm going to have to work hard at my other subjects. not that i am going to do it. :D i'm really not that stressed out yet. but my second sister is, just now when i was using the com i heard her screaming at the top of her clarinetist lungs at my little sister. then when she stomped down, i said "heeeeeeeelllllllloooooooooooo..." and she replied with "you SHUT UP!!!!!!" yes, she really did that. but i'm too pooped to care. she later explained, or rather, shouted that she was urgent and really needed to use the toilet but my little sister, who was bathing, ignored her. she really shouldnt sleep all the time. i dont think it is doing her any good. see? she is grouchy once she woke up.

i have learnt to treasure the grandparents i grew up with more and more. my maternal grandmother is coming back soon and now, i have just realised how good my paternal grandmother really is to me. i grew up with my paternal grandmother. as is really grew up with her. i saw her everyday ever since i was born. the only time i didnt see her everyday and didnt live with her was when my parents moved to another house that is nearby. that was from 3-7 years old. ever since then, i have been living with her until now. and only now, do i appreciate my paternal grandmother. my birthday had passed and she gave me $14 right? and even more recently, like last week, i only have $50 for the whole month. and that includes transport and any other bits and bobs. it used to be $95. but my parents made me pay for the phone bill. i was so mad, i cried.

when my grandmother found out, she gave me some money. true, it was $10 but i dont think she is that rich either. just now she asked me if i had enough money because exams are here soon. i was kinda confused, cos exams dont cost anymore than a normal school day. then she said that she wanted me to eat well, sleep well, so that i will be in the optimum state for my exams. she didnt say that, but i knew that was what she meant. then she asked me how much i got a month, and when i said $3.50, she was all "are you sure this is enough?" and i tried to reassure her that it is enough. i dont want to take her money. i dont think she has much to spare even though she has lots of people to support her. she told me that if i ever need money, i can always go to her. i said ok, but i will try to scrimp and save and scrimp and save and make do with what i have. she just doesnt want me to skip meals, that's all. only when i realised that did i find out how much hurt i had caused her by going on a food strike when my parents locked me in the house and didnt let me go out to meet lance. i went on a food strike, but it only last for 3 days. i couldnt bear to see my paternal grandmother cry. on the second day, she brought me a bottle of water and made me finish it up. she said that if i were to stop urinating and shitting then it would be a serious matter. on the third day, she cried. and then my mother's sister(aunt) came and made me eat. i liked that aunt because she was much more...motherly than my own mother. when my little sister was still a baby, she cried when she was carried by everyone else who didnt live with her except my aunt. so you can see how motherly she is. i didnt want to disappoint her, so i ate up.

k...so lastly, i would like to scold my twin from NI for not replying my e-mails... >:( hahax. juz jk. and...i gotta go soon. bye.

specs

belive it or not, i like wearing specs. it is just something that i like doing from a very young age. i remember wearing my father's specs when i was 4 years old and i looked into the mirror thinking "wow. i look like a teacher" serious.

so everytime i see my friends wearing specs, i will ask them for it and try it on. the only thing i dont like about it is that the lenses make me dizzy. when i told one of my friends, that was 2 years ago, i dont really talk to her anymore, she told me to ask my mom to buy me a pair of specs with lenses without degrees.

obviously, i had asked her before and she refused. in spite of me having all sorts of bad habits which should have destroyed my eyes now, i still have perfect eyesight. so, my friend told me to tell my mom that with the reason being "because i am pretty and people want to beat me up". oh wow. so the conversation would be like this:

me: mommy, i need a pair of specs with the lensed wothout degrees.
mom: oh, and why is that?
me: *batting eyelashes* because i'm so pretty that people want to beat me up.
mom: you dont want your face already is it?! !@#$%^&*($%^&^^&**@#$^*&^#

and she would go on and on and on...i would never hear the end of it. so, now i'm still looking for a pair of specs that would suit me as everytime i try on a pair of specs, my friends would start laughing. and i will need to save the money too... hmmm $_$

i miss band

yesterday's concert didnt blow me away or anything, but it made me realise one thing. i miss playing in a band. that feeling was definite when they played a few songs which i played in the band before. such as ross roy for an instance.

i may not have the instrument that many people will notice and admire but i really do enjoy playing it with the band as a whole. the concert was really messy and that carlsberg song is getting kinda old. i have heard it umpteen times already. but i made me realise all the more what being in a band is all about. at least to me. it means being able to make mistakes and not be scolded for it. it means being able to play a beautiful piece of music(ok, maybe some are not-so-beautiful) together and only when you you play together, can you only then hear the melody out loud and clear. that is, if you are able to play it well. no instrument is more important or of more status as the other, and every single one plays a part, even if you do not really hear that instrument very often (like mine). there was a time when i was playing in the band when i actually felt everyone playing the song. it was very...special. you felt as if you are not alone in playing that piece and every note you play is on big chord consisting of every single person and instrument. i can feel the energy and feel the music. for those who were in the band with me once, it was that time before syf, when we had to play for mr lim(i think, i cant remember the name but he was plump) and we were in the ava room located at the fourth floor of the old campus, back when we took off our shoes and walked around in it. that was the time. i actually kept it to myself but when thilaiga(baritone saxophonist) came and told me that once, in the ava room we played really well, i knew what she was talking about. i think that was the only time we gave out our real 100%. and it was not on stage.

it's okay. at least we did work really hard for that gold. i know how i sounded just now about feeling the energy, i sounded like a psycho. but it's true, and i think it is what mr toh meant by "gelling our sounds". i miss band...maybe after the big Os i'll go to band regularly or maybe join the band in whatever jc i go to. IF i pass my O levels. with my kind of instrument, it is not fun to play by yourself. i play the euphonium. it is a bass instrument so if i play by myself i sound kind of weird. thus, the enjoyment and appreciation for playing in a band and supporting the higher group is developed.

it is not exactly a "popular" instrument. in fact, i think most people would avoid touching it if they can help it and i saw a few newcomers to the band over the following years actually cringing when they see what i am holding. esp the girls and i can practically see them praying to whichever god they pray to, going "please please please dont give me THAT instrument!" same goes for tuba.

here are a few girls playing the euphonium so you can roughly gauge it's size. i have nothing to say for now....actually, i do. but it is like one or two subjects and i dont think i have the mood to write it down now. funny how everything you do is all up to whether you have the mood nowadays. like my maths homework, i didnt do it even when i locked myself up because i dont have the mood. it is so awful. at least i completed half... *hopeful look*

grazing my way through...

today just went to the library and came back. actually, going to the library was just an excuse to send a letter but my parents dont know about it. anyway, was just thinking about how i have grazing my way throught the holidays .

i meant literally grazing. i have been doing nothing but watching tv, and eating none stop. i would watch a little tv, then go down to have some biscuits, nake myself a drink, and look around in the fridge. it's boring.

i'm posting now because i wont be able to do so later. i would be at jurong secondary watching my sister play in her first band concert ever. i'm so proud of her. she is secondary one this year and studies in orchid park secondary school. they're not performing in victoris concert hall because her school is banned from using it. some secondary ones from the band were rude to the people there during their last concert and left the place very dirty.

i'm so bored. as for my holiday homework, i did not touch it. nor am i going to move my lazy ass to do so. i think it is a complete waste of time if all my physics teacher does is to sigh about us and tell us to focus and the like. i can just copy down the notes and answers. i cant belive i'm even writing this down. i mean typing. this just reflects on what a lazy person i am. i am an all talk and no action person. but if the thing i want to do really interests me, i will do it with vigour and make a good job out of it too. that is why i have to find a job that i like. namely, the zookeeper.

quit laughing.

i find that job really nice, besides cleaning up animal poo and feeding them, i also get to create a bond with them and sort of make friends. i know i would be able to do so as a vet or something but i want a wider variety of animals. i know that i may have to clean up the toilets or even have to pair up with an animal that i dont even like, for example, cockraoches. but i am prepared and i pretty much like almost all the animals in the zoo. i'll be perfectly happy with snakes, or even the wolves.

i think wolves are cool. they have this gothic feel. not that i'm into gothic or anything but i just like the way they walk and the way they seem to have great self confidence about whatever they do. i am absolutely fascinated by them.

i like horses too. i find them very calm animals and they seem to have a motherly feel. dont you think? and you can easily make friends or form a bond with them. i can just stare at them for hours and hours. it also helps that i am a horse in the chinese zodiac.

k, that's enough for today. gotta go now. byebyezzzz

CCHY 4E Teacher's day video

this is the video i'm talking about in teacher's day. it shows what our class have been through during the two years together and everyone in class have appeared in it at least once. even me!

my world, my rules

my mom's wrath reared it's ugly head in my private life again on tuesday night. apparently, and i dont know how, she kow that i have this blog and she knows that it's called amberandlance. she said stuff about me not wanting my face and lotsa other stuff. i was seriously pissed.

to me, a blog reflects who you are inside and what you really want from this world. in other words, this blog is a little corner of the whole wide web that is just for me. and i will choose what goes inside, what goes out and who sees it. obviously, my mom is definitely not going to get a glimpse of it. but she did. she said she did not want to read anything that is inside. if she does, it is fine. i do not talk about unhealthy stuff such as sex do i? if she dares to even read a word of my blog, she will have broken a promise to me, and brought a curse upon herself.

this is true. i know how it sounds like to you and it sounds like i'm dabbling in black magic or something but i'm not. she oncw promised me that if she would never read anything that is private to me such as my diary. and once when i accused her of reading my messages and taking numbers from my handphone, she told me that the only time she did did was when i disappeared from home in the middle of the night. she had to call my friends to find out what happened to me. just to let you know, i was with lance. anyway, she swore that if she ever read anything that contains my priuvate life, lightning would strike her and well, she would die.

sounds really bad. most of you who really respect your parents probably look down on me now. honestly, i dont want anything bad to happen to my parents but if they mess with my private life like they did last year, i dont think i'll give a damn. i have painstakingly and lovingly set up everything in this blog so as to create a little corner just for me and which reflects who i am. if i cant get it, i dont think i'll get anything else.

k, back to happy things. remember the smelly bellies toy which took the whole primary school by the storm in 2002? everyone had one. everyone, that is, except me. i didnt like it anyway, as they werent cute enough. so. recently, i saw this advertisement in tv and it was about this mew toy which is like the smelly bellies, except they were much cuter and you can flip them from egg to chick then chick back to egg. they will smell too. and they look cute. one set back though, it costs $9.95 each. ahahaha...doesnt matter, i can always scrimp and save.

er...nothing much now. i'm just so amazed at the rate time is flying by. it has been almost two months since i had my blog. and i'm going to have to take my prelims soon. and after that, O' LEVELS!!! shit shit shit shit shit! i'm soo screwed...

happy teacher's day and happy birthday to my little sis!

this was the post i was supposed to publish on friday but i couldnt as i had to go celebrate my sister's b-day.

31th August we celebrated teacher's day in school. it was really cool and everyone showed that they actually cared for their teacher's. and it was definitely much better than any teacher's day celebration i ever celebrated. my and 10 other girls shared money to buy a very huge and very cute turtle soft toy, a music box, and a box of chocolates for my form teacher. she was really happy and was all *gasp* and stuff. when she saw the trtle, she started cuddling it and hugging it without knowing that it was a turtle. she only found out when she saw the shell which is actually kinda small. so...dont blame her. and she went "*gasp*! it's a turtle!" and i believe she started cooing ar sth. hahax. maybe i imagined it but i can tell she really appreciated it. there was also this video which some guys in class did. it had photos of every single person in the class throughout the events and experiences during the two years we had together.

courtesy of jeremyphotobooth.blogspot.com.

after that we went for aces day excercise and watched a movie. actually an actress is supposed to come, but she didnt because of some last minute business. the movie was really nice and really touching. i cried quite a few times and yuqin was laughing at me when he saw but i was too sad to care. this teacher was really noble. she may not have a fantastic pay or exceptionally good pupils. in fact, one of them wanted to drive her out of the school. anyway, she had terminal cancer and she still refused to go for treatment until the end of school asshe wanted to teach her students until the end of the year and didnt want to leave her students in the lurch, esp when a huge exam is coming. so to make the long story short, she died.

so sad... T_T. and i had sausage mcmuffin with coffee. :) the coffee made my stomache feel funny but it's my own fault for asking for coffee. maybe i should stay away from coffee. hmm...

so, i dont really remember wat happened in the few days after teachers day until today. i only know that the holidays are here. and i was lazing the whole day away yesterday. i watched tv, hogged the phone, and did whatever i wanted to do. :) my sisters were at school or the childcare and even though my dad was at home, he didnt bother me. so, it's good.

yesterday my grandma gave me $10 for my b-day and my grandaunt gave me $4 for my b-day. i know it's long gone but they forgot and they wanted to make up for it. actually they wanted to wait for my mom's problems to settle down and then give it to us but my grandma wanted to give me more (cos i'm the biggest) so she gave it to me yesterday. after all i've been through recently, i've learnt to treasure my grandparents more.

cos on sun, my maternal grandma had to have an operation to flush out the blood which is compressing her left brain. she had a fall quite a few weeks ago and apparently, that fall caused internal bleeding in the brain but my parents didnt send her to the doctor as she seemed fine so it went un-noticed until sunday. the compression on the brain caused all the funny things she had been doing. at least everythings fine now. great! :)

i didnt manage to post on monday because i was talking to lance and forgot about the time. so sorry. cos i didnt really talk to him the whole day as he was sleeping so when he called, i just talked to him and forgot about the time. on sunday evening i went to see my grandma. so there you go. i didnt log in for such a long time. lalala...

i'm so bored...i'll try to come on later but i cant promise. ok. bye