bored and dead

i am soo dead. my relationship is in shambles cos lance has not and i think never will forgive me for keeping secrets from him. i know it's my personal life, but i shouldnt have been so secretive about it. today i had my chemistry prelims and i didnt know how to do ANYTHING! and i mean that. i think i only managed to secure like 10 marks? out of erm...70 i think.

and i really regret not taking out my heavy and falling to bits chemisrty textbook to study last night. i didnt even touch that book. i think i'm going crazy. not surprising, considering the circumstances. my mom took away both phones from the bottom floor of my house so that i cannot call lance whenever any one of my parents are at home. and on sunday, when she wanted to cut the phone wire, i didnt budge and she pulled my sleeve which unfortunately didnt stretch and so left a big blue black all around my arm. cool. it's now yellow with purple dots. and i like it. looks fierce, as if i fight everyday.

student by day, ninja by night. hahax. anyway, i decided to just continue posting until lance decides to go and delete it himself. recently my mom has threatened to take to take lance to the police if lance doesnt stop messaging her. he messaged her on tuesday when i pissed him off by going to his place when he specifically told me to go home. he hates it when i hang around his place cos there are lots of gangsters around and the schools are are all...gangstery? oh well...

right now i'm really depressed. and i think i should just coop myself up at home and drown my sorrows in the laws of physics and the macromolecules in chemistry. not a very healthy way, but for now, which the evil shadow of the o levels looming over me, i think it'll work very well for me. and so, i jave decided to not go help out my father at his shop tomorrow which the reason being, i want to study. and if my mom doesnt believe me, i can show her what i have done throughout the day. have no idea how to break it to her though. i am in really deep shit.

lance says he has no more drive and doesnt have the energy to carry on with this relationship anymore. i dont care and i cant say i have any sympathy left for him. i used it all on myself. all i want is for him to talk to me when i call him. granted, i call ALL the time, but at least, now i'm trying to keep myself busy and away from the phone by using the com right? not a good way, but it works and it lets him do his stuff. he hates it when i use the net cos he is afraid one fine sunny day, a prince charming would whip me off my virtual feet and we would ride off into the virtual horizon, leaving him behind. that would never happen. seriously, i mean come on, all of you had probably been online more times than me and have you ever experienced it?

i told him it would never happen, but he doesnt believe me. and now i dont think he would believe me even if i tell him the naked truth. most of you know, trust is vital in a relationship. ok, communication is important too. but trust is one of the most important. if you really trust a person, the relationship would survive even if one is in the north pole, the other in south pole and they had no means of communications for 4 yrs. i know i'm exagerating but do you get my point? i have already broken the very fragile trust he had in me. and i have no idea how to build it up again. does anyone know any kind of magic emotional glue to heal the trust he has in me?

nothing more to say, i mean, i dont know, what's the point? nothing will ever be better, everytime it gets better, and then becomes the best, it starts to become worse at a really alarming speed. i dont think i can take it anymore. i just take a shower, go to sleep, and wake up the next day feeling like a new(?) person. forget about that. sleeping takes alot of time. once i go to sleep, i will be dead to the world for 1hour. after that, i may or may not wake up with a headache. i probably to think about how to break the news of not being able to go to the shop to my mom and how to protect my arm from being coloured decoratively with yellow and purple again. haiz...my life seriously sucks at this moment. i envy those who are not me and are happily laughing away right this moment.

those people better not be at the front of their computers laughing at my blog. what's so funny about my troubles? huh? huh? you want a piece of me?! just joking. haha. bye