Friday, September 15, 2006

childhood innocence

i'm so sorry to my avid readers, for not posting anything for the past 4 days. i was talking to lance on the phone. things have been really bumpy for the past few days but everything's all right now. thanks to everyone who comforted me in class.

last night me and lance had a great fight about whether or not i should go to my lesson about this exam i am taking tmr. and i was all defensive about myself. you know, spikes and flamethrowers, the like. and he got angry and he wanted a break up. today i went to meet him, and he had clamed down alot throughout the day, so we are now better than ever. last night i was thinking about how my heart was grinded into fine powder. like talcum powder you know? that kind which puffs up and disappear when you squeeze the bottle? yea. i was thinking yhat my heart probably looked like that yesterday night and each time my heart is broken, a little puff of my heart is carried away by the wind and it disappears into nothingness. each time it is broken, my heart gets smaller and smaller and smaller...

i would like to thank all the people who comforted me today. yea, lance comforted me too. he was really sweet today. i mean after he was all crabby about the way i acted the past few days which i can only sum up as "cold". yes, i was being very cold to him the past few days. that's because he refused to meet me for the pass 3 weeks. but after he got it out of his system, he was sweet. today i cried in class after admitting to huizhi that my relationship isnt as perfect and la-di-da as they think. and then jeremy came and asked others for tissue for me and then others saw me and they came over to comfort me as well. i was really touched and i think some of the time i cried was because i was so touched by everyone's methods to try to cheer me up. i felt like a kid again. and i felt...well...loved. and cared for. not as in bgr love but as in sisterly and brotherly love. yea...felt like a little kid and wished i could go back t othose days when i could just cry openly and not havfe anyone stare at me. once i was crying because i was reading this exceptionally touching book and a little girl of about 7-8years stared at me like i was exhibit A! i was so pissed after that and i stared at her like she was exhibit B. eventually she went off, but she kept coming back for another peek at the "crying big girl".

later when i was going home after meeting lance, i saw this little girl of about 5-7 years and she was the perfect image of a Little Girl. as in sugar, spice and everything nice. she had her hair tied into two ponytails at the sides of her head, with thick, sweet pink rubberbands, she wore a matching pink long sleeve shirt, blue jeans, and pink sandals. she was holding her grandmother's hand and chattering away in a clear, high voice. seriously. it was really cute. indian children are always cute with their big eyes and thick lashes. i suddenly thought about how one day she would fall in love for the first time, get hurt for the first time, she may be in danger of going to the wrong path, and i had no idea how she is going to be guided. i may not know her at all and she is a total stranger but i obviously dont want her to get hurt or become a...hooker or something. i know i sound bad but well, the ugly truth.

i just had my science practicals and i finished my compostitions for both languages. i'm going to have to work hard at my other subjects. not that i am going to do it. :D i'm really not that stressed out yet. but my second sister is, just now when i was using the com i heard her screaming at the top of her clarinetist lungs at my little sister. then when she stomped down, i said "heeeeeeeelllllllloooooooooooo..." and she replied with "you SHUT UP!!!!!!" yes, she really did that. but i'm too pooped to care. she later explained, or rather, shouted that she was urgent and really needed to use the toilet but my little sister, who was bathing, ignored her. she really shouldnt sleep all the time. i dont think it is doing her any good. see? she is grouchy once she woke up.

i have learnt to treasure the grandparents i grew up with more and more. my maternal grandmother is coming back soon and now, i have just realised how good my paternal grandmother really is to me. i grew up with my paternal grandmother. as is really grew up with her. i saw her everyday ever since i was born. the only time i didnt see her everyday and didnt live with her was when my parents moved to another house that is nearby. that was from 3-7 years old. ever since then, i have been living with her until now. and only now, do i appreciate my paternal grandmother. my birthday had passed and she gave me $14 right? and even more recently, like last week, i only have $50 for the whole month. and that includes transport and any other bits and bobs. it used to be $95. but my parents made me pay for the phone bill. i was so mad, i cried.

when my grandmother found out, she gave me some money. true, it was $10 but i dont think she is that rich either. just now she asked me if i had enough money because exams are here soon. i was kinda confused, cos exams dont cost anymore than a normal school day. then she said that she wanted me to eat well, sleep well, so that i will be in the optimum state for my exams. she didnt say that, but i knew that was what she meant. then she asked me how much i got a month, and when i said $3.50, she was all "are you sure this is enough?" and i tried to reassure her that it is enough. i dont want to take her money. i dont think she has much to spare even though she has lots of people to support her. she told me that if i ever need money, i can always go to her. i said ok, but i will try to scrimp and save and scrimp and save and make do with what i have. she just doesnt want me to skip meals, that's all. only when i realised that did i find out how much hurt i had caused her by going on a food strike when my parents locked me in the house and didnt let me go out to meet lance. i went on a food strike, but it only last for 3 days. i couldnt bear to see my paternal grandmother cry. on the second day, she brought me a bottle of water and made me finish it up. she said that if i were to stop urinating and shitting then it would be a serious matter. on the third day, she cried. and then my mother's sister(aunt) came and made me eat. i liked that aunt because she was much more...motherly than my own mother. when my little sister was still a baby, she cried when she was carried by everyone else who didnt live with her except my aunt. so you can see how motherly she is. i didnt want to disappoint her, so i ate up. lastly, i would like to scold my twin from NI for not replying my e-mails... >:( hahax. juz jk. and...i gotta go soon. bye.

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