Monday, November 19, 2007

bloody pissed.

for some reason i have no idea what, i am so absolutely pissed off today. and feeling so damn emo. DAMN IT!

everything was fine from the start like. church as usual, then i came home, tried to clear out my room and auntie carol had to help cos i dont know where to put everything. then jordan came in and she asked him to help. when she went over to look for places to put their things in he was asking me y did i want to clear off everything. is this room not massive compared to the room i have in s'pore? and i went "but then..." and he continued "but then i have turned into a prat and now want a bigger room with more space" right. so now i'm a prat who is space hungry. FINE! it's not as if i WANT people to help me. if i could do it on my own, i would. but the fucking thing is, the suitcases are NOT mine and it would be just plain wrong to dump it out of my room and leave it lying around just because i have to hoover my room. i know what i'm doing now is really selfish. i really do. and i feel absolutely lousy about it. so damn absolutely lousy. and yes, i feel like a prat.

and then things went downhill from there. lunch was good enough like. but guys would not leave my big tummy out of the topic. it's totally my fault that i ate so much so that i actually grew a little bigger from all that food in s'pore. (two kg...) but then again, it's jsut so mean to tease a GIRL about her physical looks. i could be an anorexic, i could be bulimic, i could be comfort-eating. (fully aware that i am over-dramatising here but leave me alone k? i'm ranting!!!)

then went up to my room immediately after lunch to sort out all my things. got a few things sorted out in the end. and had a little cry...cos i aam just so fucking stressed. i have no idea what the hell is going on. i just feel so stressed all the time. sorted out the photos. and kinda wish i was back in that time. in happier times when i have the mood to take photos, and jsut smile like there is no tomorrow.

then i went to read the notes, and this model essay mrs thorpe(english teacher) gave us. with each sentence i read, i can just feel my self confidence growing smaller, and smaller and smaller. in english i have to admit i feel pretty disadvantaged here. cos being from s'pore where we speak singlish and our own mother tongue, i who speak proper english with proper grammar am considered pretty good. but over here it's not the case. over here i am the lowest of the low in english. dammit dammit dammit.

to make my day EVEN BETTER, my clothing rail have just broke and left my clothes on the floor. noe i have no where to hang up my uniform and jumpers and coats. isnt it wonderful?

i feel like i have to perform every single day to live up to people's expectations. i have no idea y, but i do feel that way. i feel like i have to perform everyday, just so that people will accept me. but when i'm tired, how am i going to rest? where am i going to rest? i am really really tired...

i really really hope i feel better soon...this has been happening to often it's starting to scare me.