thought provoking

darn...have u realised that it's always the most little things that trigger huge and overwhelming emotions? it's just....have been listening to some music and all of a sudden i got like wee flashbacks.

and then feel depressed. i know i have jsut posted jsut now. but i need to get this off my chest. just feel a little depressed....

*thinks*

ah well...it;s always the little things isnt it. not long ago was on the bis and i saw someone smoking and all of a sudden it brought me back to when me and margaret jiejie and babysitter were at woodlands mrt. at the little road u have to cross to get to the library. there was a sign on the thing which says "smoking kills thrice as many people who die in accidents" and then at that point of time margeret jiejie read it out to babysitter. i didnt understand then that she was too old to quit smoking. and i was thinking "maybe i would go visit her when i go to s'pore". then BAM just like that. i realised she's already dead. and it was just too strong. almost cried on the bus. just too strong....

when she died, i have stopped studying. everyone was shocked. and i gave the reason that i want to have some time to think about it which is not true. and then mina jiejie came up to me and said "babysitter was so eager to know about the subjects u were going to take u know? she said she wants to know what kind of subjects u are taking and wants u to study hard." when i came, and all that shit with lance started, i decided to study, mainly because i couldnt face anyone in s'pore. and also because i wanted to do one last thing for baby sitter even if it's for myself.

i remembered this year in chinese new year we were visiting her and she was saying "i'm sorry last year we doulsnt go for christmas shopping. how about this yr?" when i saw her in her coffin, all i could think of was that we can never go for shopping together again. not ever. cos she's not here anymore. i just couldnt believe she's dead. it just doesnt look like her in that coffin, it's the water retained in her beofre she died. i just couldnt belive she died.

i remember too, the time i asked about her smoking. she said she smoked when she was 16. she said "u must never smoke. study hard, go to university and get a good job." at that point of time all i knew is to say "ok" without feeling. but now, i'll say it and say it from my heart.

yes, babysitter, i will work hard.
yes, i will never ever EVER take up smoking, i owe it to u.
and yes, no matter wat, i will go to university and get a job.

*sobs*

i will always remember the times when i was little and u took care of me. i will remember when i fell off the chair stealing meatballs, u didnt get angry for getting u into potential trouble with my mom. i remember the times i used to sleep on ur bed and just feel safe. i will never forget u.

life is so ironic. how is it that u only value the person only when u lost them? life is this way. just like with my grandpa too. this HURTS

i know it'll pass, that it will get better. but pain seems like an endless pit which u keep falling into.

pls tell me it'll be over...